18 Years with the Narcissist and 6 Years Without, How I have Changed

Daytona Beach

When he moved out in September 2018, I thought life was going to be peaceful, the children and I would start to heal and I would slowly go back to being my previous self. Boy was I wrong.

Instead, he was and still is relentless with his post separation abuse. Six years and counting of being tied up in court, all about money. The same amount of time putting me down with the kids, well one child in particular, as the other one stopped seeing him a couple of years ago. The verbal/emotional abuse in the form of texts and emails went on until I was able to get an app court ordered four and a half years later.

His financial abuse is continuous as are his lies about it. In court and to the kids, he’s claims not to be doing it no matter how much proof I have. It’s my fault I’m facing bankruptcy while he has hundreds of thousands in the bank.

The children and myself are not healed and I don’t know if we ever will be. With the child who continues to see him, our relationship is severely damaged. My friends state that in time and with distance they think my child will see that I’m not to blame for everything. I have come to accept that this may not be the case.

My biggest regret, other than being too naive and too trusting in the beginning with his mask, is not leaving immediately when he committed the largest betrayal in our marriage. Our children were nine and six and I stupidly thought marriage counselling was the answer. If I went back in time, I would have cut my losses right then and there and not looked back.

I would have been in the exact same position I am in now, years earlier. I would have had more time to try to build a decent relationship with my eldest, who is about to leave for school. Maybe if they were younger instead of being twelve when we separated, he would have had less influence on how they view money and how they perceive and treat me.

My youngest is struggling in a different way. I am trying to help them and while the ex thinks I am keeping them away from him, it’s their decision to not see him right now. In time, they may change their mind, for now it’s what’s right for them.

Ok, enough self pity, on to what the title is about.

How I have changed after twenty four years of knowing a malignant narcissist:

1. I no longer automatically think someone is telling the truth until I know differently. Gee, I wonder why I ended up being married to a narcissist? I wasn’t raised by great parents, so I‘m not exactly sure why I still had this trait as an adult. I did read about cognitive dissonance and having to survive as a child, I guess I held on to it. Now, I look at body language, eye contact, tone, listen to details, etc. It’a lot easier for me now to tell if someone is lying or has ulterior motives.
2. Boundaries, I didn’t really have any, again it’s unsurprising that I ended up being with the ex. His little tests, I passed so he knew he had a keeper. If I tried asserting any, the anger wasn’t worth it. At the end, when I said no to apologising for something I didn’t do, he took out all of our money, took my credit card out of my wallet, took my car key and cancelled my cell phone data in one afternoon. Now, asserting my boundaries is no longer an issue. I rarely feel guilty about it, whether it’s at work or with friends. The more I do it, the easier it gets. Boundaries are not rules or about control and it’s not about being mean. For instance, I used to always be available to drive my oldest at any time. Then I realised I was being asked with no notice and it was bothering me. So, I decided there had to be so many hours notice and if not, they could come home by transit, get a ride from a friend or a cab. They adjusted and I stopped being resentful.
3. Pretending to be happy. I was always the person who was smiling and laughing. I could be thinking of ways to die at that moment and you would never know it. Now, I’m more likely to look like David from Schitt’s Creek then act like everything is amazing. When people ask how I am, it depends on my mood how I will answer. Sometimes, I will say “I’m here at work” and that’s it. It’s interesting how other people respond when you are honest. I’m not Eeyore, because no one wants to be around that all the time but why pretend?
4. No longer keeping secrets. Those of us that have been with abusers are good at this. My parents didn’t want me to share anything and my mother, literally hung up the phone if I was talking to a friend about what happened with my family because, keep your mouth shut. This ties in with pretending to be happy. People, now know that my life sucked as a kid and with the ex. I do try to tell it in the form of a funny story and laugh about it because again, I want to keep some friends. I lost several when the marriage first ended because I was a downer. I have learned how to balance the fun side with the Charlie Brown side.
5. Dressing how I want to and embracing the weird side of me. When I recently went to my oldest’s graduation, I had to go out and buy a new outfit as I haven’t worn anything feminine in probably ten years, except for court. I used to dress feminine with the ex outside the house, because that’s what he liked and the minute I came home, I took it off and changed. I also changed my entertainment viewing as well. Now, I watch thrillers, horror, post-apocalyptic shows, some cheesy reality, documentaries, etc. As far as my music tastes go, they are all over the place. I listen to a lot of music genres artists where I haven’t met anyone around here that also listens to the same stuff. I have made some male friends because they tend to have the same tv show and movie tastes. There is no way the ex would have allowed this to happen, neither the male friends, the shows or the music. He used to turn my music off in the car and change the channel. A friend of mine said “You, weird? No!” and we both started to laugh.
6. No longer embarrassed to do things alone. When I was married and did things with the kids or by myself, I always found a way to work in that I was married. I felt lesser than not having someone by my side. Now, I can go to restaurants, movies, bars, walks, etc, without a problem. If it’s a restaurant, I do sit at the bar and bring a book. I have only had one issue at a restaurant with a man telling the bartender “She’s a cold one, eh?” It annoyed me because his train of thought was because I was a woman I was supposed to be available for conversation. Actually, I had one other issue with a drunk older woman who kept leaning on me and wouldn’t stop talking. I snuck out when she went to the bathroom. The first time eating alone was awkward, after that it wasn’t bad.
7. Being an advocate for myself. This was the hardest change for me. If I’m being honest, since I was little, I always hoped someone would take care of me. This is why I ended up in abusive relationships and why I was taken advantage of. The system is terrible and people lie. Maybe countries other than Canada are better at helping women with legal issues, domestic violence, being a single mom, etc but Canada fails at this. When you first leave or are thinking about it, people tell you that there are resources and then you contact them and they are sorry but they can’t help you. The wait list is too long, you don’t fit the perfect criteria, your case is too complicated, they only deal with x issue and your issue is y, here is a list of places that may be able to help you, they can only offer sympathy and are so sorry, it’s a police matter and the police say it’s a domestic issue. I encountered all of these issues. I called and emailed a lot of places. I have been on a wait list for a women’s organisation for over two years and that’s after I said yes to every box. I have been kind, angry, sad, aggressive, assertive and gone mama bear. You name it and I have tried it. It’s exhausting and I am still doing it today, six years later. I initially paid for help both legally and with therapy and now I am representing myself and waiting for free therapy. It’s all very humbling and I don’t wish it on anyone.

To wrap this all up, I have changed in a lot of ways and in the end it’s probably for the best. I wish I wasn’t broke and stressed out as much as I am.

I wish my relationship with the children was better than it is. I hope one day they will see that the person that speaks the loudest, is the most aggressive and has the most money isn’t necessarily the one that is right.

Biggest of all, I hope my children one day are mostly healed and work through what happened, as I can’t turn back time and pick a different father for them.

Thank you for reading, Lesley

ps. I know my stories are very personal, I hope you can see yourself in them just a little bit.