A Letter to My Lawyer

I am writing this letter to you because I find it hard to express my feelings in person and whenever I speak to you on the phone, you have a tendency to talk over me. This is a sign that someone isn’t actively listening to what the person is saying, instead they are preparing for their rebuttal to your words.

You told me repeatedly over these few months, that you couldn’t have done anything differently. You also told me that you discussed my case several times with the owner of the firm and she concurred.

I vehemently disagree. You should have listened to me and asked more questions, instead of just telling me how family law is and that you need to take him to court again or need to make yet another application.

I could have kept my townhouse had you not taken him to court so many times. Our custody was settled at the first Judicial Case Conference. I knew he would never want to take care of them because he wasn’t capable of it and he doesn’t like making any sacrifices to his lifestyle.

At the second Judicial Case Conference, he made it clear that he wasn’t going to allow me to keep the townhouse or be fair about the family property. At that point, you shouldn’t have kept believing his promises or kept taking him to court when he didn’t provide anything more than a photo of a filing cabinet saying that his financial documents were in it. Other evidence showing that he wasn’t going cooperate was his blank F8 form and only four bank statements from one month.

I don’t understand why you kept believing his lies and promises when he never carried through on any of it. You had me write off over $30,000 of support he owed in good faith. You also had me cancel enforcement and as soon as I did, he went away on holiday with his girlfriend once he had his passport back.

Why did my law bill go up to $368,000 when you knew I couldn't pay it? Why didn’t you change the strategy, when the one that was being used wasn’t working?

I told you so many times that his word means nothing. To stop giving him the benefit of the doubt, to stop taking him to court and spending money that I don’t have, but you insisted that this is the way it’s done. That he is self repped, so the court will treat him with kid gloves. That family court benefits the the self repped that it treats him as if he is poor, even though he is not. He manipulated the system. He has more than enough money to pay a lawyer, but because we couldn’t prove that, you kept taking him to court over and over again and the court wouldn’t punish him. You kept taking him, even though I asked you to stop.

I spent some time talking to my therapist about how you and your boss wouldn’t listen to me and how I felt trapped. We knew there was a power imbalance because I couldn’t afford to pay you anymore, so I kept agreeing to what you proposed. I wrote emails afterwards to you about my feelings and expressed what I couldn’t say on the phone because of you interrupting me.

Other than seeing a free lawyer for 30 minutes, who was the first person to say the word abuse and a few weeks with a free law clinic for women, this was my first relationship with a lawyer. You yourself, mentioned about how I was abused and that this affected what was happening. Knowing that my ex is an abuser should have shaped the legal strategy. He is not a good man and is not going to abide by the law.

My therapist said we were in an enmeshed relationship because you spoke to me about things that were beyond a lawyer/client relationship. You confessed that my ex was the worst person you had to deal with. You told me you were scared of him. You mentioned that you thought he followed you to that coffee shop in your neighbourhood and you waited for him to leave. I felt guilty. You wanted to get a conduct order and possibly a restraining order against him. You told me of your financial troubles and implied it was my fault because I hadn’t paid in over a year. Almost every time I mentioned my financial issues, you brought up your own. I couldn’t help that. It wasn’t my fault, that the owner of the firm, held you solely responsible for it but you made me feel like it was. When I mentioned that you must have had other clients, you gave me a blank stare and said nothing.

I don’t think you were planning on dropping me as a client, because at our two day trial, you mentioned that you wanted to see it through and find justice for me. But, the judge we got decided to lecture you for two days about your handling of the case instead of punishing him for his abuse of the system. She told me when you wanted a conduct order, that I must have done it too, that it was a two way street. That was hard to hear because it wasn’t true. So, I imagine that it was hard for you to hear all the lectures she gave you over the two days. I think that is why you decided to drop me.

Four days after you told me that you wanted justice for me and an October trial would be fine for getting final orders, you called me out of the blue and dropped me as a client. That hurt a lot.

It hurts, because I went with every plan you and your boss wanted, even when I objected. I never wanted to sign the deal in December 2019. I wrote a story on Medium soon after about how that deal felt. When I told you and your boss I didn’t want to sign it, the owner of the firm implied that I would be dropped as a client then and there. I felt coerced into signing it. It felt like the two of you and the mediator were on my abuser’s side. I won’t ever forget that or forgive it either. No one was an advocate for me.

Three weeks after my ex signed the deal and told all three of you that he was broke and couldn’t afford to pay more in child support other than the ridiculously low figure he offered and refused to pay any spousal support, he took off for Africa and London. When he was called on it, he said he never claimed he couldn’t afford to pay more. He never even paid the full amount he promised he would. When I told all of you at the time he doesn’t keep his word ever, no one listened.

I went into a deep depression after that deal and I have regretted signing it ever since. All this time has been wasted. It has put me in a financial loss so great, I don’t know if I will ever recover. I have had suicidal ideation ever since. Somedays, it takes all my strength just to get out of bed. The only reason I am still here, is my children. I can’t even feel my feelings down to the core or get the help I really need, because I have no one to take my children for a week or even a night to really grieve. Maybe that is a good thing to never be alone.

My one big regret is that I didn’t know how to be an advocate for myself back in December 2019. I wasn’t strong enough to stand up to three strong people when we were having that mediation. I will never get that vision out of my head of your boss, sitting across the desk from me, the mediator sitting next to me and you sitting about six feet away from me. The two of them telling me that this was the best they could do and you siting there saying nothing.

Tears were streaming down my face while I was trying to talk and no one was listening to me. I told all of you that I couldn’t live financially like that and I was told that it would be tight and to deal with it. No one was standing up for me. I wish I stood up for myself and insisted on a trial. I wish I took my chances. I wish I could turn back the clock.

I wouldn’t have to hide how poor we are to the children while not being able to disguise my depression. I wouldn’t have to swallow their anger while they watch their father live like a king and treat his girlfriend with the same love bombing/abuse cycle in the same way he treated me.

Yes, the judge at the two day trial gave interim orders that are slightly better than I have been living with for the last year and a few months. I am still waiting for them to be typed up over a month later and then I have to file for enforcement again. It will take months for them to be able to collect from him, that’s if he doesn’t hide his income.

You want me to live like this for the next few years. But, I am standing up this time and saying no. My eldest will no longer be a minor by then and will be heading off to college or university and I won’t be able to save anything if I do live with this deal. I am going to go to trial in October without your help.

If I can’t find a pro-bono lawyer, I will have to take him to court myself. Why should abusers always win? I have to try. Even if I lose at least I know I did everything I could for myself and my children. You have a right to give up on me but you don’t have the right to tell me to give up on myself.