Am I Ready For EMDR?

Two weeks ago, I tried EMDR therapy for the first time. I have done research on it and everything I read said it works for cptsd.

The therapist I have now, discussed it a few times with me, what the plan would be, what we would work on and the grounding technique we would use.

She thought it would be a good idea to start with my guilt in not leaving my abusive ex when I saw the first red flags. I have a lot of shame in not being strong enough at the time to recognise that he was toxic and I didn’t walk away and end the relationship right then.

I know I didn’t because of my abusive childhood, I was used to being mistreated. It felt normal.

The first red flag I thought of was him calling me a cold bitch. We were staying at his friend’s cabin which was in the middle of nowhere and we had to sleep on the couch. He had a cough from a cold and it wouldn’t stop. I asked him if he took cold medicine because I was going to get it if he didn’t. I wasn’t finished asking when he told me to stop being a cold bitch and he knew what I was getting at. I tried to explain but he told me to stop talking. That was my first sign, not because of the swearing but because I was confused. He didn’t let me explain. I felt like I had to defend myself.

When I told my therapist this, I remembered that on the way there, I asked him to slow down while driving because I was feeling nauseous. The road was only one lane and very windy. He didn’t slow down and told me I didn’t feel sick. I had to insist he pull over so I could get out for a bit. So, this was actually the first red flag, being called a liar about my own physical sensations.

I feel shame and guilt about me staying with him for 18 years, the two of us having children together and the fact that our kids now have issues because of it. If only I sought therapy before he sought me out, tested my boundaries, became a fake friend of mine for months and then made his move when he knew it was time. I was dating other people when we were friends and he told me several years into our relationship, he was waiting until “I was ready.” He pretended to be everything I wanted in a partner. I remember him asking what I was looking for. I feel ill thinking about him asking when we were friends.

Back to the emdr, the therapist told me to think back to the memory of being at the cabin and to follow her fingers. My eyes didn’t move. She made the track wider, still nothing a second and third time. So, we tried a different method. I tapped my legs while thinking of the memory. I couldn’t get fully into it. Something was preventing me from being vulnerable. We stopped the attempts.

I was upset with myself at failing to do it and we talked about it. I realised that I have too much armour around myself to let down. It has been there for a long time. I don’t know if or when I can let it go. I told her that it didn’t stop me from getting hurt but it still exists.

I only have this therapist for a set amount of time, due to her funding, so I never told her my full history. The plan was for me to find ways to cope day to day and to learn how to be calm in chaos.

I explained to her that I have never felt safe, starting at a young age and I have never been protected from harm. I don’t know how to let go or if I want to. I don’t know if I have ever fully relaxed. I compartmentalise my entire life, I think of it as putting trauma and abuse in a drawer, shutting it and not opening it again.

I gave her a very quick synopsis of my life so she understood why I am having trouble with emdr. When I left her office, I thought about it some more.

I realised that due to everything I have been through I feel like I have layer upon layer of a protective barrier between myself and the world.

The first one is from being around four and being spanked bare bottomed by my father because I didn’t listen while my mother and brother watched. I have no idea what I did.

The second layer is my mother “catching” my brother in the act of molesting me by coming home early and seeing the clothes he had me put on behind my door. I remember him asking me to take off what I was wearing and put my clothes on. She asked me why they were there. I told her and she never said anything to me about it again. She did have me go to the doctor for a full check up while she watched but never explained why. I remember being very confused as to what was happening. I was around 7–8.

The third layer is from being molested by a stranger at a water park, telling my mother and all she said was “don’t tell your father.” No police, no therapy, no it’s not your fault, that was it. I was 12 that time.

I have a few more from my family as there was physical abuse, emotional abuse and there’s my brother, who always looked at me like I wasn’t his sister. I ran away at 17. I do speak to my mother but it’s low contact.

I have a lot of layers added on from my ex due to all the abuse a malignant narcissist can give you both during the relationship and with the post separation abuse they like to pile on.

The family law system didn’t help either with helping me be vulnerable in therapy. There is no such thing as fair or justice once you enter the system. I had no choice due to the behaviour of my ex. He kept the court proceedings going for four and a half years, just to get a divorce and was able to successfully paint himself as a victim. Abusers can be very good liars. He had been in court several times before due to his business. I had never been. He knew what to say and do to get the judge to believe his narrative.

Writing all of this down has made me realise that I shouldn’t be surprised that my first attempt at emdr wasn’t successful. I know that narrative therapy doesn’t help heal cptsd clients like myself. I also know that I will never fully heal from cptsd, I would like to eventually achieve a reduction in my symptoms so I am not always living in survival mode.

I think I might need to work on calming my nervous system down first and try a goal that’s not so lofty, perhaps something like stop reading all red trucks’ license plates or stop being startled at slammed doors.

Thank you for reading