Christmas and Financial Abuse

It has been over three months since he left.

Every time I buy a Christmas present, I wonder if my credit card will go through. Am I going to hear declined from the cashier with a long line up of stressed out shoppers behind me? Will the kids notice that I am not spending as much money on presents as last year? Do they wonder why we aren’t doing our usual traditions or do they buy my excuse that I would rather stay home and read?

I still haven’t seen a dime from him despite his promises to a judge and two lawyers. I am waiting for the enforcement plan to go after him but that could be in February at the earliest. Meanwhile, I hide from the children what is happening. I don’t want to upset them at what is supposed to be the happiest time of the year.

Due to his financial abuse, I am borrowing from one credit line or card to pay the minimum on other credit owed. I had to take money out of a credit line to pay the mortgage. I find it necessary to explain to the bank that my ex is hiding hundreds of thousands of dollars from me and that is why I have to do this. My stomach is constantly in knots while I hope, wonder and wait for him to do the right thing.

I am shamed by the letters from the bank, phone calls and sympathy on people’s faces when I have to explain what is happening. My friends call me brave and strong but that is not how I feel inside. I am sad, anxious and can’t catch my breath. I didn’t realize that his escalation beyond emotional and verbal abuse would be financial.

The rug has been pulled out from me as the majority of my thoughts are centred around whether or not we will lose our home. My lawyer says there is a tipping point where we will have to make a decision whether to sell the home or to keep working to keep it. I love my home, it feels cozy and warm and full of life. I am filled with sadness when I contemplate where we would move to. I know we won’t be able to stay in the city which means my daughter and son will leave their friends behind, some of them they have known since preschool.

In May, I will be done my program at college and will be able to work. I have been a stay at home mom for 13 years and will be working with people who were born after I graduated high school. It is daunting but exciting at the same time. I know that I am being a good role model for my kids, showing them that it is never too late to start over. You can begin again. As Katy Perry sings: I won’t just survive. Oh, you will see me thrive. I will transform.