Divorcing A Malignant Narcissist

How did I end up here?

To summarize, I was raised in an abusive family where I never had a voice and no one stood up for me. I tried to get help from my guidance counsellor in high school who did her best, but we moved in the summer between grade 10 and 11. Then I called a kids’ help line where I saw a therapist without my parent’s knowledge, but he couldn’t help me either. He told me he was going to tell my parents about my suicidal thoughts. I ran away from home that night. I was in grade 12 at the time. I ended up being groomed at age 18 by a man, 10 years older than me, whom I married at 20 and left when I was 25.

After a short stint of being single, in walks my ex. I was always an over-sharer, I know now that’s the sign of someone who has been through a lot of trauma. You are looking for someone to take care of you. This is just what an abuser wants, if they know your weakness they know how to manipulate you and love bomb you.

He knew just what to say and what I needed to hear. We were friends for months. I was still dating other people. He was the nice guy, always around. We began dating and then we were quickly in a relationship and the red flags came slowly and things didn’t get bad until we had our first child and got really bad after our second. By then, I was the boiling frog that didn’t notice it was dying until it was too late.

I hid it as best as I could until I couldn’t take it anymore and our marriage was over. There was an incident involved tools being waved around in-front of our daughter where my ex kept screaming at me in a loop. The children and I fled and I received a protection order and he had to leave the house immediately. He now claims that he needed them to take off the license plate on my car to transfer the ownership to me. But when I went to London Drugs, the gentleman gave me one screwdriver and it took me less than a minute. I will never understand his thought process nor do I want to.

I actually started the divorce proceedings prior to the tool incident. In February 2018, my ex sat myself and our children down, telling us that our marriage was over and that I knew why. Frankly, I didn’t but I feel that this was another escalation on his behalf over some slight that I didn’t aplogise for and explain myself. My ex had become increasingly more and more abusive where he would become paranoid and believe I had done things and I needed to explain myself and apologise. I had to say exactly what he wanted me to say in his words and be contrite for it.

This time, I had put my foot down a few days ago because I had grown tired of it and had enough. The cycles were getting shorter and more nonsensical and exhausting. His abuse was starting to involve the children and I had begun to realise that it was not longer beneficial to stay together for the kids as I had once believed. We had gone through three marriage counsellors at this point and even they felt we should divorce.

Despite my ex telling us we would no longer be a family, he didn’t move out like we thought he would. Instead he took my place sleeping on the couch as I had done for the previous three months. He would get his pyjamas from our bedroom and then sleep on the couch. His verbal and emotional abuse escalated and he added financial abuse to the mix.

The day after he told us would would no longer be a family, he gave me one more chance to apologise for a slight that he imagined I had done. When I refused, he told me to prepare for what was coming. I said no because I was ready to end the marriage. I didn’t know what to expect.

That evening I was about to drive my son to his baseball clinic and couldn’t find my key on my keychain. He had taken it off, luckily I had a spare. When I dropped him off I went to text a friend and discovered he had cancelled my cell phone data and in addition taken out $42,000 out of our joint bank account. I used a friend’s cell phone to text two other friends and they made a plan for the children and I to flee without any belongings to Bowen Island for a few days. Little did I know this was only the beginning.

Upon my return, I started the long legal process. First, I had a free 30 min consultation with the downtown Law Court Office. A friend came with me and she cried when she heard how bad my life had become. The jaded lawyer had seen it all and was the first person to say use the word abuse to me. He told me that I wouldn’t qualify for Legal Aid or pro bono help because I co-owned a townhouse, even though I didn’t earn any money of my own. But, he did provide me with some numbers to call.

I called a Women’s Legal Aid Office and they saw me right away when they saw my Referral form. They took what I had to say seriously and spoke to me about a safety plan. It scared me and I rented an apartment for a month and set it up like an office and also brought emergency supplies in case my ex got worse. I went there every school day and photocopied everything I could about our business. The problem with the law firm was that it was run by students and the work was slow. I soon realised that what I was dealing with was too complex for them and I needed help fast. My ex wasn’t moving out and he was making my life hell. It was worse than walking on eggshells at this point, he was following me around, verbally abusing me as much as possible and being physically intimidating. I was living outside on the deck and only coming into the house to feed the children and put them to bed.

Once they were in bed, I would gather up everything I needed and retreat to the top floor. I would brace myself for him to get his pyjamas and go back downstairs. Neighbours were on alert. I couldn’t move out because I didn’t have enough financial resources to leave. I was wearing a fanny pack with my things in it at all times. Sometimes, he would follow me outside to yell at me, not caring if the neighbours would hear. They would wait until he left and would ask if I was ok when they saw me crying.

I asked a friend who is an environmental lawyer for help to see if she knew of anyone that could help me divorce him. She knew of one family lawyer and she went with me to meet her. She seemed nice and she took on my case. Unfortunately, this was not the right lawyer for me and this began a long legal battle that I will be going to therapy to try to recover from.

The reason I say this is because at the time of hiring this lawyer and at of the time of my separation, I hadn’t heard of the word narcissist and it’s many forms. My lawyer was not prepared to deal with my ex and how malicious it would get. She was used to mediation and collaboration and approached him from that angle. From May 2018 to January 2022, I have had 29 court orders. My ex has not followed through with any of them.

He are some of the things he has done in our legal proceedings. He has walked away with court orders in hand without signing them and left his girlfriend in the courtroom to just stand there. He never voluntarily paid child support, but to this day claims he is not a dead beat dad. He sent a photo of a filing cabinet as financial disclosure, stating that his financial records are in there. He had his business lawyer sign a blank F8 form (financial disclosure form) and said it was my fault that it was not filled out. He filed with the court a F8 form that had figures written on it in two digits saying it’s complete. Hasn’t done his taxes in over six years and said that his financial disclosure is complete. Went on trips around the world including London, Africa, Mexico and Las Vegas, sending his children photos and videos while we were facing bankruptcy and thought they should be happy for him.

My ex kept violating the protection order and I received a second one as well as a few conduct orders and he violated those too. He didn’t care, I would received a conduct order and he would violate it on the day I would receive it. I gave up on calling the police, they told me that if he was a stranger the would arrest him but because he was my husband the wouldn’t do anything. What’s the point of getting one if they won’t do anything?

I recently found out that my ex had hidden in my phone location sharing in his contact info. I realised that he did that in 2016 when he put a WebWatcher program on our shared laptop. I had accidentally had my password off my iPhone at the same time, because our children were listening to Spotify in the car. I caught him one day around the same time scrolling through my phone. It’s a really creepy feeling to realise that your ex could have been spying on you at any moment for the last 6 years. I was checking all of our phones after talking to a friend about what she had on her kids’ phones, that’s how I found it.

My old lawyer in January 2022 wanted a protection order herself from my ex because she found him in her local coffee shop at the same time as her. She was denied by the judge. The judge told her to put her big girl pants on. If your own lawyer is scared of your ex, how are you supposed to feel?

She didn’t want to represent me anymore, the firm hadn’t been paid in over year due to my ex’s financial abuse. I couldn’t afford to pay them and they didn’t want a pro-bono client. I know my lawyer was looking for a reason to let me go. She made up a conflict when he made a bogus offer that I didn’t take in the end. We ended up settling when I hired a new firm by the hour and I signed a letter stating that I wouldn’t sue her for negligence because she made mistakes in the handling of my case. She wasn’t equipped for someone like my ex and she should have changed course a long time ago. The firm I hired thinks I have a case against her, but it would be long and it’s not a guaranteed win.

My old lawyer was expecting a judge to set my ex straight rather than trying something new. From what I found out from speaking to other people, it’s better with narcissists to get what you can quickly and get out. They love to fight and will take it to the bitter end. It’s better for my mental health to never speak to the old lawyer again.

We had 4 previous trial dates, that my old lawyer kept cancelling that I wanted to happen. She kept wanting to mediate and believed it was best, because she thought it would be better if he volunteered concessions and support numbers. In her mind then he would follow through. I knew that it wouldn’t matter because despite our two mediations, he hasn’t followed through with any of it. I had to go to Family Maintenance Enforcement Plan and even with them, I need to follow up and send them messages and they need to enforce things.

I will never understand for the life of me why people don’t believe survivours when it comes to our abusers as far as how they will react and what they will and will not do.

I believe wholeheartedly that my ex wanted it this way. He wanted it to be just the two of us in court with no lawyers. He is probably amazed that I lasted this long from February 2018 until January 2022 with the scarce amount of money I had until there was no more left and I had to represent myself in trial.

The firm I hired helped me organise, by letting me know what had to be filed in time and in what order. They did help me write my opening summation and closing summation and find the case law. I found all the evidence and organised the book of documents. It took me about two months to organise the two books of documents.

I had very little emotional support during this time, other than people on Twitter, who had also gone through relationships with narcissists, one friend who had been there for me throughout this and my therapist. I had to sell my townhouse during this time and we moved into a rental apartment. I had no choice because I was facing bankruptcy. My summer consisted of a three day camping trip. It was a very tough time.

Which lets me to our trial that finally took place in December of 2021 and finished in January 2022. It was supposed to be in October but it kept getting bumped by the court registry.

December arrives and it’s our first day in trial. I am beyond nervous as I don’t like seeing my ex in person due to how he reacts and I also don’t know what to expect. We get a female justice and I see that there is no sheriff in the courtroom, there usually is one due to the previous protection orders.

The justice begins by reading a document as to what to expect in trial and how to conduct ourselves. I had already laid out my book of documents, which are two-five inch binders as well as the trial record which contains the court orders I will be relying on, the family claim and our F8 forms. My ex has a notebook. I don’t look at him.

She asks if I am ready to read my opening submissions and I am so I go ahead. This lays out briefly what I am asking for and what I will prove. My ex interrupts me, so I immediately see how this is going to go. The justice lets him know that he will get his turn.

Then I am informed that to present my evidence I am to go to the witness stand with my book of documents and trial record. It’s really close to my ex and the table is small, this makes me uncomfortable but I have no choice. I have a notebook so I can keep track of what I talked about because if I don’t mention it it’s not evidence and she won’t look at it for her judgement. I had prepared notes and I start to read them but the justice told me I can’t so I put them down.

Initially, I start speaking in a consecutive fashion but I quickly realise that this isn’t going to work for me. It’s making me too nervous and I am afraid I am going to forget documents this way, so I ask if I can change course and point things out in a section by section fashion. The justice says that I can do it any way I like so I change direction. I am not used to having attention on me which is making me nervous. I am the type of person to sit and observe. I am still not looking at my ex and will barely do so throughout the seven days.

I get to a part that my ex disagrees with, I can’t remember what part it is, but this is the beginning of when my ex starts to go off and won’t stop throughout the trial. He stands up “She’s a liar! How can she get away with this! Are you going to let her do this!” I quickly glance at him. He is in narc rage, his eyes are black, face is red, arms are stretched out. The justice replied “Mr. …, you will get your turn to cross examine her after she gives her evidence.”

When I speak about the first protection order and start to cry, he begins again. A sheriff is brought in after we take a break and we have one for the rest of the trial. This routine will continue throughout my evidence.

But, when I get to his financials something different happens. My ex, turns his chair around while putting his hands to his face. The justice asks him what’s wrong. My ex states that he thinks he’s having a heart attack, then he keeps his hands to his face, faces us and puts his head on the table. We take a break. Full temper tantrum. My ex makes ten times more than I do in a year and can’t handle that I am speaking about it. After the break, he stops paying attention despite the justice telling him he should.

When it’s my ex’s turn to cross examine me, this is what he chooses to focus on: my first protection order, the fact that he didn’t pay child support, he said I alienated him from our children, his lack of financial disclosure. He made me go over why I received the first protection order three times in minute detail. He also has a mistaken notion that his bank account had to be unfrozen in order for him to pay child support, even though he kept earning an income, had other bank accounts and opened new bank accounts. Our parenting orders were final and I have a lot of proof that he alienated himself. Lastly, it was his responsibility to provide financial disclosure not his ex’s.

He didn’t dispute his income which is what I would have done if I was in his shoes. Nothing makes you look like an abuser then questioning your ex as to why she needed a protection order three times. His theory was I concocted it up with my lawyer and that the police agreed with him. One of my final answers to his questions about it was that I didn’t need four tools to take off the license plate, just one screwdriver. Who needs a needle nose plier to take off a license plate?

The whole time I refused to look his way and once he yelled at me to look at him. The sheriff at one point stood right behind him in a ready stance and also came up to me and whispered in my ear that it was ok to breathe and take my time answering him. This particular sheriff was with us for three days, I wished it was the whole seven days.

When it was my ex’s turn to give opening summations, he just called me a liar the whole time and said I gave no evidence. I have just given two day’s worth. Then he had four documents to provide. When I cross examined him, I had him read out some abusive emails and texts that were written to me and to my old lawyer. One of them to my old lawyer called her and her boss human filth, parasites, wishing them to hell, taking advantage of a poor single mom, causing her to go bankrupt. I asked him if that was someone who was willing to negotiate or mediate and he said it doesn’t say he wasn’t and he also said he was proud of that email.

When we were about to give our closing summations, my ex said he had documents to provide to the court. I objected because he has had over 3 1/2 years and we had 6 court orders for him to provide financial disclosure and he had yet to do so. The justice allowed it after thinking about it overnight.

It turned out to be in my favour because it showed that he had over four times my annual salary in the bank despite owing me over ten thousand in arrears, plus owing me a year’s worth in spousal support and a year’s worth in special expenses. When I was allowed to cross examine him about this and ask him why he said he had no money, he claimed he never said that. I also asked him about putting over thirty thousand dollars in Canadian Investment Account in three months and if he considered that a lot of money in a short period of time. He replied that he didn’t consider that a lot of money for a man of his age.

My ex must have called me a liar at least 50 times during the trial and continually interrupted me and the justice allowed it. He also was very disrespectful towards her. He would be on his cell phone when she walked into the courtroom and a few times he was still sitting down. She never admonished him for anything.

I have been in the courtroom with him where this kind of behaviour was not allowed and I am not sure what she was trying to accomplish by not stopping it. It did cause me to be upset and require breaks, it interrupted my flow and concentration when I was speaking and it reminded me of what it was like to be in a relationship with him.

Unfortunately, due to my ex cross-examining me for two and a half days, we did not finish our trial in the seven days we were allotted. The justice thought we could tack on the eighth day at the end but the court didn’t allow it and it got bumped. Then the day got bumped again from her being in a car accident and again due to the new covid variant and the court being closed. Our last day finally happened in January by telephone. Initially, I thought this would be a good thing to not see him again, but it wasn’t.

Initially it was going well, I just had to read the rest of my closing summations. In total, there were 39 pages and before our last day, I had read about 10 of them. I had gotten about half-way through and then my ex interrupted with swearing and name calling me, added in with the usual liar rant. When I finished, he was able to respond to my summations. He responded to about half of it, saying that I am a liar and/or I didn’t show any evidence. Complete gaslighting. The justice kept saying ok and she said that it meant she heard him. I remained silent to it all.

Then, his summations repeated his narrative that I was a liar and he wanted to reduce his payments to half of what he is currently paying which would mean I would have to file for bankruptcy.

Here is where it gets really bad, he verbally abused me for about five minutes and the judge allowed it. He said everything he has wanted to say since he had to leave the home in September of 2018.

Here is a brief summary in list form:

• This is all your fault
• You are broke and have no one to blame but yourself
• Why should I give you any money?
• You hired a lawyer and they abandoned you just like I thought they would
• You created this mess why should I help you?
• This is your problem
• You are the stupid one
• This is 100% your fault
• What was the point of hiring a lawyer, look at where it got you

I know there was a lot more, but I stopped listening and just waited for the noise to stop. The justice did nothing but say uh once. Then she had the nerve to ask me if I was ready to rebut and she told me that I could only respond to anything new that was brought up.

I said no I needed a break and we took the afternoon break. I sat there and cried. It took me right back into being in a relationship with him. I froze and couldn’t think or move.

When we came back, I was reminded of the rules. I told her that I spent the break composing myself and I couldn’t look at my notes. She said she understood. For the life of me, I will never understand why she didn’t stop him. My therapist said that she might have wanted to see how I would react, I don’t care. I think she saw enough of my composure in person during the trial.

I did say that I think he showed why I was asking for an app for communication, why I am uncomfortable seeing him in person and speaking to him on the phone. I also got out that I never said that I wished he was bankrupt because that was one of his rants while he was yelling.

I then said that I wish we had the transcript from our two day trial in January because it has turned into a he said / she said and that my ex is saying a lot of things that didn’t happen that I can’t prove without the transcript. The last thing I said is that because I was composing myself I didn’t look at my notes so I have to end it.

We then said our goodbyes and the justice said it would be around four weeks for the judgment. I ended the call and started crying because I know there were things I missed saying but I always freeze as a trauma response, I don’t fight. I am still upset at myself that his attack worked as he planned it.

Time does not heal all wounds. I have not healed from this relationship and I won’t until I put in the hard work to repair some of the damage he has caused. Unfortunately, I will always have a connection to him because of our children.

I hope that the justice will see through his lies and see from my book of documents what kind of person he is and that I will get some kind of justice and closure in the end. The children and I deserve that.

I also hope that if any of you that are reading this are trying to divorce an abuser, please learn from my mistakes. Ask your lawyer if they have had experience dealing with someone like your ex, what is their method, what is their success rate? Good luck, I hope you get justice.