Every time I see a red truck, my heart skips a beat. I crane my neck to see if it’s him. I don’t know why I do this, but I can’t stop.
I started having nightmares where I am being attacked by him. Although, he never physically abused me, I was scared that it was going to happen at any moment. His escalation over the years went from verbal and emotional to financial and finally to physical intimidation.
He spent almost seven months sleeping on the couch after telling the children that he and I were done. I spent three months sleeping on the couch prior to that. The only reason he is no longer here is because his escalation reached the point of making me fear for my physical safety. He made threats to smash my car window while holding several tools as he screamed at me in front of our daughter. He was stuck in a verbal loop, pacing the floor like a caged animal and waving the tools while he did it. The fact that that he was sober while doing this was enough to convince a judge that he needed to leave our home.
I was granted a protection order where he can only contact me via electronic means and only to arrange parenting time. This, of course, he violates frequently. When you are someone that lacks emotional self regulation, it is impossible to stop verbally abusing someone just because a piece of paper tells you to. Every time I get a text or email from him, my adrenaline spikes and it’s hard to breathe. I have reported his violations and the female constable warned him that he could be arrested. The police officer told me that she ended up yelling at him because he was belligerent and felt justified in his attacks on my character.
I still haven’t processed my feelings about what I went through for the past 18 years. Every time I see my therapist, I end up telling her the narrative of what occurred since our last appointment. There are always so many items to list. One week consisted of him: texting me that I lied to the police, cancelling our home phone without warning and sending the children pictures of his trip to Las Vegas while my mortgage goes unpaid.
He has told my lawyer and a judge that no bill goes unpaid and that, of course, he will pay the support ordered. At least five times a day, I check my bank account and see that he hasn’t deposited a dime. It is going to take at least a month before the Family Enforcement Plan starts to go after him. Meanwhile, I have supported the three of us with credit cards and student loans. I hide from the children what is happening as I don’t want to cause them stress. I am worried about losing our home.
Being a full time student and looking after the children with no one to help makes it impossible to work. I am back in school to become self sufficient so I don’t have to rely on support payments. The fact that he has hidden hundreds of thousands of dollars from me in secret bank accounts and tells my lawyer that he is a man of simple means and, therefore, can’t afford legal representation is infuriating.
I have never told anyone that I experience flashbacks until now. I could be putting gel in my son’s hair and I immediately see my ex putting gel in his own hair. My body becomes tense and my breaths become shallow. Sometimes the inner voice I hear is his, calling me stupid, that no one cares what I think and to shut up. I do my best to shake these things off and try to remind myself that I am ok, he no longer lives here.
I am hoping that writing about these experiences will lessen my shame and need to fill my body with food. My emotional eating has spun out of control. I can no longer zip up my winter jacket. My clothes no longer fit and mock me while they hang in my closet. What happened to the divorce diet I was promised? Even if no one reads my stories, I have put my thoughts and feelings out there and I hope this will make that bar of chocolate less sweet.
