False Confessions

I was listening to a true crime podcast on Wondery while cleaning the kitchen tonight and there was discussion on how false confessions happen during police interviews. The consensus was that they tend to happen over prolonged interrogations because the accused can’t take them anymore and just wants them to be over.

The talk gave me a flashback to a time when my ex trapped me in the office before our marriage ended. He insisted that I ignore the children and answer a few questions and tell the truth. I was kept in there for over six hours. The kids were eight and eleven and had to feed themselves breakfast and lunch.

He kept threatening to tell them that I was cheating. He would tell them that we were ending our marriage and it was all my fault if I didn’t answer the questions correctly in exactly the way he wanted with the correct tone and contrition.

He also said that he would stop paying the mortgage, let the place go into foreclosure and it would all be my fault. As a stay at home mom, I was financially dependant on him.

At first, I had no idea what I was confessing to and what I did wrong. It turned out, that he had been looking at all of my texts for weeks, as I had accidentally left the password off so my kids could play music in the car.

But, I had nothing to confess to as he had misinterpreted the texts. He thought innocents texts about paying bills meant I was hiding money and texts about meeting girlfriends for coffee was about cheating. This type of thing went on for awhile.

Then, he decided to get upset that we hadn’t been intimate for a long time. This one he was correct about because his abusive behaviour was intolerable. He put demands one me, it had to be x amount of times and I had to like it and show it. If it looked like I didn’t, it didn’t count and then he was going to end the marriage anyways. This was hard to swallow. I now know the term is sexual coercion.

As a rule, I don’t normally speak about my sexual life as it is full of trauma. I also, have no intention of dating or attempting a relationship with anyone until I have had a significant amount of therapy. I will not put my baggage on anyone. I have no idea, if I will ever date a man again. I do know, that I flinch if a man even touches my arm due to my ex, this is the legacy he has left me with. I like to think, that I will date the person and not what they have between their legs.

I could only do what he wanted twice, which was enough for him to book a trip to Japan, our last holiday as a family. I knew it would be. I was so happy when we arrived and every place we stayed had four beds, one for each of us. He was angry when he found that out. Shortly after we arrived home, he announced to us that we were done as a family. He wasn’t interested because his plan of having total control of me didn’t work.

It’s been over three long years of trying to divorce him and it’s been a hard and long road. I wish I could say I have been victorious and I have gained all my confidence and self esteem back. I haven’t yet, but I slowly am. My children are calmer, the house is quieter. I am showing them that you don’t have to tolerate people treating you badly, that there is another way to live. Life doesn’t have to be chaotic. It’s ok to be still.