It’s All My Fault

I never really understood it when society said people like myself with unhealed trauma shouldn’t have children, but I now understand.

In all fairness, at the time when I had my two children, I didn’t know that I was being abused or that I had complex post-traumatic stress disorder (CPTSD). When I read that statement I believed it was a cruel thing to say, that abused people couldn’t make good parents.

When I was being mistreated, I believed that I deserved what was happening to me. I have had only a few short years in my life of not being mistreated, so when the love bombing disappeared with my ex and the red flags started showing up, it felt natural. I had a short stint of therapy as a teenager that I sought out, but then went decades with nothing, until I sought help for my emotional eating. It was Alyson, that saw what was happening to me and gently let me know that I had CPTSD. She didn’t use the word abuse, a lawyer did a few years later.

When I read the symptoms of CPTSD, I had and still have all of them. I had my two children by then and thought when my marriage dissolved, things would get better. By no longer living day to day with the constant verbal abuse, emotional abuse, physical intimidation, financial threats and sexual coercion, I believed I would feel a sense of peace. I also thought the children would feel a sense of calm and the three of us would have good relationships with each other. I broke the multi-generational cycle, yay me.

That is not what happened. Instead, I was and still am embroiled in an over four year legal battle. I received two protection orders and several conducts orders. He violated them all. He didn’t care. My ex sent verbal abuse via texts and emails on average two to six times a week. He started the financial abuse the minute we were separated, that hasn’t stopped. He uses the children to send messages to me and he manipulates them by triangulating them into our court issues and telling them lies that they, unfortunately, believe.

I have no idea the full extent of his smear campaign. No one from his family has been in contact with me since separation, except for the two flying monkeys he sent my way. It took me awhile to figure out what was happening. I cut contact with them once I clued in. He has been using the court system as a means to control me by not complying with anything. He was also able to fool a justice into believing that he isn’t a smart person. She bought it and believed that he is the victim and I am the abuser. This crushed me.

The worst thing that he has done since he moved out, was turning the children against me. I had a decent relationship with my children when the four of us lived together. I was their protector. I took almost all of the abuse. I stood up for them and told him no if they didn’t want to do something. If they felt they couldn’t talk to him, I spoke for them. We did things things together, we talked and spent time together in the townhouse.

Once he left, they were angry. I talked to a therapist and was told this was normal. I am their safe person, they can’t get mad at him and to weather it out. That it was good that they can feel their feelings. It kept going. At the two year mark, she told me that I need to set boundaries as it has been long enough. Let’s set rules and consequences. It still hasn’t ended. The language, tone, facial expressions, body language and words are copies from him. It’s like he has never left but now there are two of him.

They express their anger at different things and in different ways. I know they are children, but it breaks my heart to be their emotional punching bag. They also have their own issues to deal with as a result of having a toxic father and growing up in a dysfunctional family.

I have been broken mentally a few times since he moved out. The first time was when the pandemic first started. I am very good at putting my feelings in a drawer and saying to myself I will deal with them later. It’s a skill I learned as a small child. When we went into lockdown from covid, I had no one to hangout with being a single mom and nothing to do. All of my feelings came pouring out. I cried for hours at a time and my right shoulder froze up. I have since learned that my shoulder froze because of everything I was going through. The left shoulder subsequently froze as well.

The second time I broke down was when my old lawyer dropped me because I couldn’t pay her anymore, but she pretended it was a different reason. I now had to represent myself at a seven day trial against my abuser. I knew I wasn’t capable despite everyone telling me it would work out.

The third time was when I received the judgment from the trial where I was found out to be correct. The justice bought my ex’s mask and lies of being dumb and incapable of filing taxes, not being able to fill out an F8 form (disclosing his expenses and assets), lying about not graduating high school, etc. She thought that a man that earns over $500,000 a year doesn’t know how to fill out an expense form and only went to school until he was 12. She even bought his conspiracy theory about why I received my first protection order. He thinks I wasn’t scared about him coming after me with four tools, that I pretended I was.

I had the worst justice imaginable at trial, I had to represent myself against a man that has been to court over ten times and knows how to work the system. I haven’t recovered from this one yet.

From the first time I broke to the present time, I have had self harming thoughts every single day. I know that they started because I lost hope in things ever getting better and that the emotional pain will never stop. It’s a routine now. I imagine scenarios and if they will work or not. I kept them to myself until recently. An online friend told me about a place I could go to get assessed and receive free therapy. I went and I am in their program. Has it stopped or lessened them? Not yet but someday maybe they will.

The program is ending soon and I am on some wait lists for free therapy, but it will take anywhere from a year to two and a half. I was told I should pay for therapy in the meantime while I wait.

I also spoke to my doctor and I am on antidepressants as well. They have given me some energy but I still don’t care about doing any self care or get any enjoyment out of life. I am forcing myself to stop isolating as I was told it’s good for my brain to start doing what I used to enjoy.

I am still here because there is no one better to raise my children. That is what keeps me going. Despite all of their anger, their shut doors and unwillingness to spend time with me, I know what the alternative is.

I know that I shouldn’t be treated this way. What I did wrong was not work on healing myself before I had children. This made me pick the wrong partner. I am not abusive to my children.

I became a single mom the first week I entered college and had to deal with lawyers on top of it. I believe that this is one of the things that is unforgivable to my children. I went from being there one hundred percent of the time to not being there very much.

I have self isolated from the friends that I used to spend time with because I never became the victor where I could say: Look, I won! I got justice! The kids and I will be fine. We won’t and we aren’t.

The reason I picked this title for my story is because sometimes I feel like I made a mistake. I should have stayed until my youngest graduated high school. I should have put up with the abuse because maybe it would have been better for the children. We had a nice financial life, I was a stay at home mom, I cooked, I baked, I had time for self care and actually did it. They didn’t have to deal with him alone. I wouldn’t have wasted all this time dealing with a legal battle that I ultimately lost. They are angry about all the time I wasn’t there for them between school, lawyers, court and work. The children and I had a better relationship before.

I don’t know if they will ever forgive me for saying no more. I don’t know if I can forgive myself because things didn’t get better. I wish things were different. I can’t turn back time and make different choices, I can only do the best I can in the present time.

I know this story is heavy and dark and I wish it was lighter and positive. I wrote this story and published it for those of us that are still struggling and for them to know they are not alone. This is hard work, leaving an abuser doesn’t mean it’s over. It affects every aspect of your life.

I am envious of stories I read where people have happy endings and say that leaving their abuser was the best thing that they did and their life is so peaceful and they are grateful every day. I hope I can get there one day. One day, I hope my kids will understand that I love them and why I left.