Leaving an Emotional Abuser
The light at the end of the tunnel is still too weak to see. My ex had to move out of the family home almost three months ago, but he does everything in his power to continue to create obstacles. He has not given me any financial support, he violates every court order I receive, he continues to put me down with the kids and berate me through text and emails.
Every day, there is a fire I have to put out while remaining calm in front of the children. They are, of course, going through their own struggles. Years of living with an angry parent has left them with low self esteem and, as a result, they are susceptible to the school’s bullies. I have to deal with that too while my emotional resources get smaller and smaller.
Everything I read when I first became a single mom told me that I would feel relief that I no longer have to be subjected to his temper. No one told me that this period of adjustment would mean attending to endless wounds that refuse to heal.
I was too busy with legal issues, going to school full-time and being a single parent to take care of my emotional health. I now have three weeks off from school and it is giving me too much time to think. I am stuck in a shame spiral that has no end. Why did I ignore all the red flags waving at me? Why did I marry him and have two children? How could I allow myself to be treated poorly? Looking at people in the eyes has become difficult as I am embarrassed with what they have witnessed.
The silver lining if we lose the home is that I can start fresh without anyone knowing my past and what I have been through. The children are in counselling with a therapist who specializes in high conflict situations. I am hoping she can help them deal with their feelings and give them the tools to build themselves back up. I am working on taking care of myself without using food and alcohol.
I am surrounded by brambles right now and they are stuck to me. Soon, I hope to be enveloped in the fruit they produce and I will be able to enjoy their labour.
