Mother’s Day

Mother’s day always fills me with sadness. This is not because my mother is gone, as she is still very alive and well, but because my ex used the day as a great opportunity to continue his hurtful agenda.

Last year was no exception. The children and I had no transportation as he refused to renew the car insurance. In order to get my son to his baseball game, we took our bikes on the skytrain and then rode our bikes to the field after getting off at our stop. Why the baseball organization continues to hold baseball games on Mother’s day is a question beyond my comprehension. Us mothers would probably rather relax anywhere else.

Midway through the game, he decided to show up. At this point, he was still living at home continuing his reign of emotional abuse. He hadn’t escalated to the point of me needing to call the police, but I was trying to live as separate from him as I could. I was always on edge not knowing what would set him off. I had to carry my personal belongings around the house in a fanny pack, due to him taking my visa out of my wallet and cancelling it. He also took my car key off my key chain, luckily I had a spare. I told my children that I did this to make it easier to carry my cell phone around. They never questioned why my car keys and wallet were in the fanny pack as well.

After the game ended, the children decided that they wanted a ride with him rather than cycling home with me. I don’t blame them, everyone takes the easier path if possible.

When I arrived home, my son gave me what he made in school and my daughter informed me that she insisted that my ex stop at a bakery to buy dessert. I did what I used to do if it wasn’t raining, I hung out on our back deck waiting for it to be dark. My ex was less likely to yell at me outside, although it didn’t always stop him. The neighbours would come up to me afterwards asking if I was ok. I was never ok and am still not.

I waited hoping that he would feed the children. He sat there on the couch watching tv. I ended up heating chicken strips and fries as I refused to make any food on what was supposed to be my special day. I heated up a tiny bit extra in case my children wanted more. He yelled at me “That’s all you made for me? Am I a bird? How did you think that was going to be enough for me to eat? What the F… is wrong with you?” I escaped back outside on the deck trying to distract myself with my book.

I came back inside when it was my children’s bedtime. After putting them to bed, I went upstairs with the laptop, water and my cellphone. I never left my cellphone behind in those days. Luckily, he had been sleeping on the couch since the end of February and had grabbed his pyjamas earlier in the day. I wouldn’t see him again until the morning.

I refused to cry that night but loneliness and sadness enveloped me. I have never had a Mother’s day where I felt loved and cared for by him. I learnt through trial and error to not show him that I was upset, as yelling or crying seemed to give him satisfaction. It was best to remain stoic.

There is another baseball game on Mother’s Day this year. My ex will not communicate with me as to whether he will show up to the game or not. If I ask him not to, he will come, so I will be kept on edge waiting and wondering if he is going to try to ruin my day again.

It has been eight months since he moved out and I am working on healing. This is challenging as he continues to berate me whenever he can. He also continues his financial abuse and game playing with the law. Nothing has been resolved and it may take years before it is.

I will work on creating new traditions this year to turn this holiday around. I will be strong. I will be brave. Wish me luck.