My Legal Update With The Narcissist Since Our Trial, 4 Years Ago
No, it’s not over and I don’t think it will be until he has paid me the last support check. This is the only way he gets fuel from me nowadays. I have had friends, friends of friends and coworkers tell me that they just walked away so they didn’t have to deal with this. It feels like a brag and a subtle victim blaming statement.
Here’s the difference between them and myself, we had a business we built together. We co-owned a townhouse. I was a stay at home mom for the past 12 years before separation. He had me take out over $50,000 in debt that I had no way to pay off and he had everything, including the car I drove, in his name except for the townhouse. Plus, I had vultures for lawyers that convinced me they would get justice for me. I was also naive and didn’t know the word narcissist. I had the misfortune that I was with one of the worst kind, a vindictive, malignant one that hasn’t stopped and won’t, possibly until one of us is dead.
I wrote a story earlier of how things went legally up until the divorce trial and I was hopeful of the outcome. I never followed up with the result. Here is what happened at the judgement and since then. I wasn’t ready to write about it until now.
It was horrible, I have thought a lot about it since then as it’s been three years since the divorce trial. I have a few thoughts about that judge, they are either like the ex, or had a parent like myself and decided that I needed to be punished because they couldn’t punish their parent. They made their mind up about me before the walked into that courtroom.
No rational judge would allow a person who had two protection orders against them, admitted they violated it many times and didn’t care would allow them to question the victim three times about why they received the first protection order. They wouldn’t allow the perpetrator to call the victim a liar, talk over them, interrupt them and yell at them for a solid 8 days while the other person cried, sobbed and asked for breaks while a deputy was in the room. The judge watched the deputy come up to me and whisper in my ear a few times to ask if I was ok and to let me know I could as for a break.
The trial was the first time I had ever represented myself and the ex had represented himself many times with his occupation. He knew what to say, how to say it and what the judge wanted to hear. This judge must have believed that the louder and more aggressive a person was, must mean that person was more truthful. I was quiet and unsure which I think was reasonable due to what they were allowing. When he was allowed to yell, call me a liar and interrupt, I stumbled and lost my place. I was not a strong person and it was fairly early in therapy for me.
The judge was a female and one thing I have discovered in this legal battle, is that female judges have been harder on me than the male judges. I don’t know if it’s because they have achieved a high level of education that they look down upon someone like myself because I was a stay at home mom or if it’s because I ended up in an abusive marriage. Another female judge told me “You married him” it was like she didn’t understand that abusers get worse over time. All of his red flags weren’t showing until our first child was born. I don’t think anyone would marry someone if they were all flying in the wind.
When the judgement came out, I broke. The judge called me a liar many times in it. She wrote that the ex went to school until he was 12, which was untrue. I questioned him about this and he admitted he graduated high school. I knew he did, his mother worked at his high school. She wrote his lie three times. There were other things I got him to correct when I questioned him on it and she put his lies in the judgement. The judge put what he wrote about me and not my answers.
She also wrote that my story about the incident that got me the protection order was odd and didn’t make sense. The ex stated that it was a conspiracy I cooked up and the cops agreed with him and that I wasn’t scared. What person wouldn’t be scared of a person that is 6 inches bigger than them and over 50 pounds heavier, screaming at them in a loop with the same statements, with 4 tools in their hand, threatening to smash property when they have never done anything like that before? The judge that gave me the protection order was concerned because he was escalating rapidly over a short period of time while completely sober.
The judge said in the judgement that it was weird I opened the windows. She didn’t write that I opened the windows because our youngest was outside playing with no cell phone, so I had no idea where they were and I wasn’t going to abandon them with him. I was hoping a neighbour would call the police. I had sent our oldest upstairs to their bedroom out of danger. She even wrote the photo I took was allegedly the tools. He put them down for a few seconds and I knew I should take a photo so I put my phone on silent to take one.
When I read the judgement about how I was unbelievable due to my stumbling and unsureness, etc. I completely broke down and was suicidal for a long time. I only stayed here because there was no one to take care of my children. I knew that he could show this judgement for the rest of our lives and from our latest court date, it sounds like he has shown it to our oldest who calls me a liar all the time.
I learned the hard way that justice is not guaranteed, it doesn’t matter if you have proof of abuse in the way of emails, texts, bank statements, protection orders, how many times you have been to court, etc. Narcissists can fool the court system and narcissists can be the ones that decide what happens to you.
The judge imputed his income as he didn’t give any real financial documents and I actually had two years worth reduced because he lied about a big thing. I won’t go into details about what it was. She left the window open for him to come back to dispute the income imputation but we had to go back to her for it. She mucked up the special expenses so I had to book another court date to fix it and we didn’t have to see her. The only good thing is we were finally divorced after 4 1/2 years. That’s how long it took, it should have been a year.
I had to keep going as I had no choice. I cleaned and cooked as minimally as possible. My self care went out the window. My emotional eating got out of control as did my loafing on the couch, scrolling on the phone and watching tv. My parenting was lazy. I isolated socially. My children suffered as I wasn’t as good as a mother as I should have been and I regret that.
I was tweeting my sadness and a mutual picked up on my depression and suggested a clinic due to my suicidal ideation. I did go there and see someone for the 3 months they give you and the only thing I got out of it was to leave the room if the kids’ anger gets to be too much, wash your face or hands with really cold water if you get too overwhelmed, or go for a walk. That was it.
I will never phone anyone or have a safety plan, I don’t ask anyone for help because when I used to I was always told “You got this. You’re strong, you’re the strongest person I know. It will work out. etc” I know one of my kids needs me so that’s my reason for being here.
Eventually, I had to move on as best I could. I did book a court date with a different judge to try to get the special expenses and to confront the lie that got my support reduced for two years. The judge tried to get a compromise for what he lied about. He refused to compromise as this judge would only do things with consent. So, that was a dead end. They screwed up the special expense order, so I had to book another court date. Enforcement is a stickler when it comes to orders and he won’t pay if it’s not enforced. The judge also wanted to know about our oldest’s university plans as they would be going soon.
Before we went back, I found out that our oldest and their dad decided together for them to go to the US for university and he paid for their deposit for housing and enrolment. There was no conversation with me by either one of them. They didn’t even apply to any Canadian Universities. I can’t afford to pay my share of an American University. The judge had sympathy for me and he was put in a corner due to not messaging me once and signing for them. He consented to pay the exorbitant price for their university costs in full.
The judge screwed up the wording again of the special expenses so we have to go back again for the 3rd time for them to get it right. I don’t know how this judge keeps mucking it up. I am owed around $17,000 for 3 years and have probably paid double with the interest. I really need this money and this is incredibly frustrating.
It may sound like good news that he volunteered to pay their university expenses, but it wasn’t because he thought about it and I think realised he made a mistake. Now, he decided he doesn’t want to pay what he should be for spousal and child support. He wants to reduce them down to a level where myself and our youngest would be homeless. I have applied to coops but it takes years and years to get in.
So, we had to go back to see the judge that doesn’t like me, two weeks ago. He never gave me the over 600 pages he said he had on his application. I was told it was a no brainer, I would get an adjournment, there was no way she would expect us to go ahead as I was supposed to have them 21 business days before the court date.
Surprise! She told me that the three day weekend was enough for me to go through everything. I stayed up and did an all nighter and wasn’t through it all. I did my best to find things that looked suspicious. His gross annual income is 10 times larger than mine.
I was proud of myself initially. I asked her if she could ask him to not interrupt me, not talk over me and not call me a liar, like he did during the trial. I said that I wasn’t as strong as I am now because I hadn’t done any therapy and it makes me lose my place, stumble my words and forget where I was. She instructed him, so far so good.
I started making good points about his tax returns and pointed things out that looked suspicious and asked how he could claim such a low income when he lives like he does, pays support, offered to pay our oldest’s school expenses, has money in the bank and no debt. I could see that I was doing well because my peripheral vision was showing me that he was getting angry.
She decided to adjourned her decision after all and told him to drop off his financial documents at my building. I never want him in my building. I have had two protection orders at our old townhouse and never bothered with this building, because the police never did anything when he violated it. They said it was a family matter and if he was a stranger they would do something, but because he wasn’t they only ever spoke to him. Protection orders are useless.
They want me to do their job, literally. He said “What do you want me to do? Give you the receipts?” Her “No, I am not doing any work, she can do it.” He’s the one that wants to reduce the support payments, so I don’t know why it’s me that is supposed to add up his expenses and look at his financial documents. I think he should be proving his expenses. This is so odd.
When it was his turn to respond, there was about 20 mins left in the day. He decided to go full attack mode on me. Not about what I said, about me personally. She let him do it and added to it. I was in shock. I sat there and froze with my hands clasped on the table and I looked at her, not at him. She kept agreeing with him as he was attacking me about how one of our kids doesn’t want to see him. He was yelling at me about how I am a liar, it’s my fault, I should be punished, fined, etc. She was giving me personal orders, not legal ones and I was replying with: yes, ok, I will, etc. I just wanted it to end.
I couldn’t take it anymore and stood up. I started crying. I said her name and “I said yes and I will, what more do you want? You are letting him do it again, what he did at trial. I asked that this didn’t happen. At trial, you let him ask me three times about the protection order and I wasn’t strong back then. I hadn’t had any therapy and I didn’t get to tell the story from start to finish.”
The judge “You talked a lot.”
Me “I can’t take this anymore. This is too much. It’s too much.” I was sobbing by now.
The judge said one of these two things, I can’t remember “I’m sorry I upset you” or “I’m sorry you are upset.” Then she left the courtroom and left me with him.
He made fun of me and left. I was standing there sobbing and the clerk was just standing there, I am sure wondering what the hell happened. I couldn’t believe what the judge just allowed and contributed to.
The clerk asked me if I wanted her to call a deputy. I said no, I just needed to calm down. She called him anyways. They both didn’t know what to do with me. I was babbling about how I couldn’t believe what they both did and how I asked her to not to let him do that this time and how she added to it. I told them both that no other judge has ever let him speak like that this whole 6 1/2 years. That we saw a judge since the trial and it was also a female and she did not allow him to speak to me like that.
I left once I calmed down and emailed the lawyer that helps me organise my paperwork and gives me advice. I didn’t know if he fully believed me and I am sure my email sounded bizarre as I was dysregulated. I was upset all night about what happened. In the morning, I replayed it and knew I didn’t exaggerate how bad it was. I emailed my lawyer again and told him exactly what happened. He was not happy either.
I have decided that when we see her in January, 2025, I am going to have a dv advocate with me as a witness. I have already spoken to an organization and they said they can arrange it. I figure worst case, there will be a witness, best case she won’t treat me as she has been and won’t allow him to speak to me the way she has been. I know they are allowed in the court and I will never go in front of this judge again without one.
If I had money, I would try to get her removed as she obviously has a bias towards him. I am also going to get the voice recording from that day. I want it for therapy, once I finally get into the organization I have been waiting to get into since July 2022 for one on one therapy. I plan to be a dv advocate once I have received the last support money from him but not before then.
So, I have two judges to see. One to hopefully, get the special expenses finally sorted out. This will be the 4th date to try to get 3 years worth and $17,000. The other with the judge who likes him to see if he gets his wish to make us homeless while he gets to keeps all his money (he already has all of our business) and can tell himself that it’s my fault for leaving him.
I have spoken to a few friends about what happened with this judge and they are shocked about it. I have told them that not everyone is a good person and it doesn’t matter what profession they have. Just like not every ex does the right thing and they don’t care if it affects their child or not.
I have learned over this 6 1/2 year battle that money makes people’s true personality come out. I only want enough to pay my bills and have a little bit leftover, that’s it. The ex has used this time to punish me and the kids legally and financially. He’s not busy with raising the children, working full-time and collecting paperwork to prove that he needs money and the ex is lying.
He has a lot of time to do what he is doing and has been robbing the children of having the mother they deserve because I have had a part-time job getting ready for court, we have been in court over 30 times.
I am not taking things day by day anymore, I am taking them moment by moment. I used to believe in justice. I literally put my hand up at people now and tell them to stop when they try to say positive things to me. If karma was real, then why is this happening to me because I didn’t do anything other than marry the wrong person and my kids don’t deserve this karma.
I have completely changed from who I was and I understand now why women get tough, hard and no longer want to date after being with a man like the ex. I have not flirted or even had coffee with anyone since we separated.
I have colleagues that claim to be all about social justice but it’s just virtue signalling. They don’t really do anything for people like myself and just like talking about it, they don’t perform any action.
I know there are woman out there that are worse off than myself and there are women better off than myself. I don’t sit idly by and do nothing when I hear women talking about their issues. I offer resources if they ask for it, I don’t offer advice if they don’t ask for it as that is taken as criticism. I know it is by myself. Most people just want a person to listen to them and really hear what they are saying.
The one thing I alway do, is say it’s not fine when someone says “It’s fine” after telling me something bad that happened to them. My reply is “It’s not fine/It’s not ok. I’m sorry x happened to you. You are getting through it and it’s not fine/ok.” I have always heard back “You are right it’s not fine/ok.” We need to stop minimizing what is happening to us.
I hope that what happens in January 2025 is not bad news. My child and I will survive, regardless and it would be nice if it’s not bad news. I will hopefully write an update again in less than 3 years.
Thank you for reading
