The Day I Knew My Marriage Was Over
In September, 2015 my ex asked me what I thought about him taking our then nine year old daughter to Shanghai, China with him on a business trip.
He wanted to go to the world’s largest seafood show in November. Initially, he suggested that all of us could go, but as our youngest was only six and the trip was for around nine days, I thought it was best if only the two of them go. Plus, I thought this would be a good opportunity for the two of them to bond.
Little did I know, that this would be the incident that would show me that he wasn’t someone I could trust and that this was the beginning of the end.
He kept it from me initially that the show wouldn’t allow anyone in that was under eighteen. He already bought plane tickets and booked the hotel. He approached me sheepishly, mumbling that the show wouldn’t allow her in, but that it was ok because he booked a five star hotel that had babysitters. He already checked it out, “look here’s the website” he said as he handed me the laptop.
I pummelled him with questions, asking him what he was going to do about it. He assured and promised me that he would hire a babysitter. We spoke about it over twenty times. I called the hotel and sent emails, the hotel told me that they hire people that speak english, they are hotel staff and it’s $20 US per hour. I spoke about it with my daughter, explaining why it’s necessary. They both promised that they would hire a hotel babysitter, but he wouldn’t do it ahead of time because he didn’t know which day he was going to the show. A big red flag was waving at me.
I bought protein bars with her at Mountain Equipment Co-op in case she didn’t want to eat the food, bought her a camera, a notebook and her dad gave her his old cell phone. I told her I loved her. Her brother and I drove them to the airport. I am not religious, but I prayed that he would do the right thing. He had let me down before, but I hoped that he wouldn’t with this because it was my child’s safety. We don’t speak Chinese and have never been to China. Surely, he would take it seriously.
Their first few days went well, she was having a great time and I spoke to her daily. She sent photos and we exchanged texts. Then a day came that there was silence, which was odd. I texted and her reply was weird. I phoned and her tone was off. I asked what their plan was and got an odd reply. I asked again and it was weird again. I clued in and asked if she was alone. Her reply was “Dad said only to tell the truth if you ask, otherwise don’t say.” I asked her “Where is your father?” She replied “At the seafood show.” I asked “Do you have a babysitter?” Her answer was no.
He had left her alone. She had let in the housekeepers and had gone to the lobby to buy ice cream, as all she had for lunch was the protein bars I bought her. He took a train to go to the Seafood Show and was gone for six hours while leaving a petite, blond, nine year old girl, who only spoke english with just a cell phone for her defence.
I was angry, confused, in shock and had a mini nervous breakdown all at once. Trying to parent a nine year old girl over the phone and a six year old boy in front of you, while pretending to remain calm was one of the hardest things I have ever had to do.
She didn’t understand why I was crying. She thought it was great. Everything was racing through my head because I knew that if anything happened to her or him on his way back to the hotel, there was nothing I could do in Canada to help her.
I had to get off the phone for a short while to deal with my son and I sent my ex some texts to find out what was going on. He knew I would be angry so he ignored me which is one of his tactics. I called her back and alternated between calling and texting until he got back.
Once he returned to the hotel, I first attempted to talk to him on the phone but he hung up quickly when he heard how mad I was, after he laughed at me which is another game he plays.
I sent several texts afterwards and, unfortunately, my daughter saw some of them which made her upset and she blamed herself because she didn’t want a babysitter. Of course, no child would but it’s the responsibility of the parent to explain why it’s necessary, which I did back in Canada.
My ex decided to not speak or text me for the rest of their trip and told my daughter to not contact me either, so I heard very little from her on their last four days. They did meet another mom and daughter from Canada and my daughter became pen pals for awhile with the girl. They hung out quite a bit in Shanghai. I don’t know or care if anything happened as our relationship has been over for two years now.
I knew that was the nail in the coffin for me. It showed me that I couldn’t trust him anymore and I don’t know if I ever could. I still carry that photo in my wallet, minus the black lines. It reminds me of how little she was when I put my faith in his hands and how things could have ended so differently. If something had happened to her because of him not looking out for her safety, I wouldn’t have hesitated when he walked into our home. I never would have forgiven him.
I tried to help him see that he needed to change. We went through three marriage counsellors. One told me just a few months in that I need to divorce him. He got me to sleep on the couch, but that just convinced my ex that I was cheating, which I wasn’t. I still haven’t been on one date.
The second fired us after three sessions, telling us to get a divorce and the third got fed up with him and asked me how it felt watching her go through what I must go through on a daily basis.
China was a turning point for me and maybe in the end it was a good thing. I am grateful nothing bad happened. I can still cry about it when I reflect on it. I haven’t been able to get over what could have happened.
