Your article laid it out clearly, it’s well written.
I was slowly putting up boundaries with my mother, thanks to a therapist’s encouragement, as my mother is a martyr & emotionally immature. It sped up and my guilt ended when she did three things to me when my father was dying.
First she was mad that I didn’t bring my two kids and tried to triangulate the home care nurse into it to justify her anger when I explained that it was their choice & they didn’t want to remember him like that.
Second, because of that she wouldn’t leave the room so I could say goodbye alone. Not even for a minute.
Third, she had him cremated and after 18 months, she changed her mind and decided not to wait two more weeks so myself and my children could attend the laying of the ashes. We only live a 45 min drive away. She wanted me to miss a day of work unpaid and my kids to miss a day of school when it just went back to normal after having school online.
She wouldn’t wait until the funeral home had a Saturday opening in two weeks. My brother, his ex wife and their son went.
The weirdest thing about all of this is she tells her friends we have a good relationship.
Now, I have hard boundaries and no matter what she does, I don’t feel guilty.